Finding A Spiritual Friend
I want to conclude our musings on formation and community with a brief look at the criteria we can use to examine ourselves and others as we consider entering into a formation friendship or as it is more commonly called, spiritual friendship.
What’s your Motive?
Writing in the twelfth century, a godly Christian named Aelred of Rievaulx suggested there are four attributes we should look for in a spiritual friend. The first essential attribute addresses the question of motivation or as Aelred calls it “right intention”. A spiritual friend, he says, should “expect nothing from your friendship except God and its natural good.”
Motives are the first thing we should examine when considering embarking upon a spiritual friendship. Why do we want to enter into this relationship? What are we looking for? What do we expect? In spiritual friendship we are not just seeking a “buddy” or someone to hang-out with. Spiritual friendship is a far more special and costly relationship, having God as its foundation and epicenter. I would dare say most of our relationships, even relationships with other Christians, are not this intentional or serious. Having God as the raison d'être* for our friendship dramatically alters the essence and tone of the relationship. Motives are everything.
Are you discreet?
This leads naturally to the second essential quality noted by Aelred which he calls “discretion”. Aelred uses this word to describe the spiritual quality of knowing what to do (wisdom and discernment) and faithfully doing it (faithfulness). He says a spiritual friend must possess the quality of discretion so that “…he may understand what is to be done in behalf of a friend, what is to be sought from a friend, what sufferings are to be endured for his sake, upon what good deeds he is to be congratulated; and, since we think that a friend should sometimes be corrected, he must know for what faults this should be done, as well as the manner, time, and the place.”
Will you hang in there?
In a costly relationship where we are both free and faithful to challenge one another, real maturity is absolutely necessary. One of the preeminent attributes of spiritual maturity is patience, in the full biblical sense of the word meaning long-suffering. Aelred says a friend must have patience “that he may not grieve when rebuked, or despise or hate the one inflicting the rebuke, and that he may not be unwilling to bear every adversity for the sake of his friend.” Maturity and patience are essential to spiritual friendship.
Can I count on you?
The last quality Aelred mentions is loyalty. He says, “There is nothing more praiseworthy in friendship than loyalty.” This is certainly true. Loyalty is a stubborn and enduring grace, a true reflection of the heart and character of God. Aelred writes, “Loyalty is hidden in prosperity, but conspicuous in adversity. A friend is tested in necessity… as Solomon says, ‘He that is a friend loves at all times, and a brother is proven in distress’.”
Spiritual friendship, like a marriage, is a covenantal relationship. Covenantal relationships do not survive on happiness alone and they are not easily destroyed by difficulty. In these relationships we are pledged to a higher purpose under God and our fidelity to him is the only foundation of any enduring success we may enjoy.
Aelred of Rievaulx believed we should “test” or evaluate a potential spiritual friend. I agree, and the criteria we use to evaluate others should first be used on ourselves. As I said in my last post, the critical thing in spiritual friendship is not so much finding the right person as being the right person. People who are willing to look carefully, prayerfully and honestly into their own hearts are best suited and prepared to enter into the extraordinary grace of spiritual friendship. May God give us all grace to discover the joy of true spiritual friendship.
Footnotes
In this blog I have quoted from “Aelred of Rievaulx, Spiritual Friendship” (Trans. By Mary Eugenia Laker, Kalamazoo, MI: Cistercian, 1977), 105-106.
* Raison d'êtreis a commonly used French phrase meaning "reason for existence."
Recommended Reading
Sacred Companions:The Gift of Spiritual Friendship & Direction,by David G. Benner
Paperback:240 pages
Publisher:IVP Books (July 23, 2004)
ISBN-10:083083270X
ISBN-13:978-0830832705
