VISION NEW ENGLAND

In these posts, I have been advancing the idea that Spiritual Formation is best experienced in relationship, and so it is. But the awkward truth is a good friend can be hard to find, even in the church, some might even say especially in the church [1].  But however hard it may be we are bound to try. The very God we worship exists eternally in relationship; formation into His image therefore essentially requires friendship.

Friendship – what is it? It is hard to imagine a more common word. We have “friends” at work, “friends” at school, “friends” in the neighborhood and community and of course, “friends” in the church. People “friend” one another through social media and today it is not uncommon to have dozens or even hundreds of people listed as our “friends”. Friendship, it would seem, is everywhere. It almost looks like we have friends to spare.

I wonder, do we really?

Honestly, I think not.

In the first place, who has the time? It takes a lot of time to really get to know another person, as anyone in a healthy long-term relationship knows. I have always been intrigued by the tradition which assigns certain materials to symbolically represent the years of marriage. For example, the first five years of marriage are represented by paper, cotton, leather, linen, wood. As the years pass, the symbols become more costly. For years fifty through seventy the symbols are significantly more valuable: gold, emerald, diamond, blue sapphire, and platinum. Thus we are reminded that love has ever increasing value – especially when we invest it long in one place.

And so it is with friendship. In our day we have diminished the meaning of the word through reckless overuse; to say we have many friends is often a way of saying we really have none. The church desperately needs to recover a vision of friendship as something costly, rare, and extremely valuable.

How do we begin to experience friendship at a deeper level? It helps to know what we are looking for. In this post and the next I will offer some reflection on the criteria for seeking a spiritual friend [2], but first I think it is best to start with a definition. Even the words “spiritual friend” are packed with meaning; talk of spiritual friendship is common in “Formation” circles and the concept carries various shades of meaning. I am using the words to signify a relationship that is Christ centered, covenantal, and life giving:

Christ Centered

We are talking about a relationship (or relationships) which has at its core an explicit and well articulated commitment to Christ and to spiritual growth into his likeness. In this relationship we ask about God, we talk about God, we talk to God, and we help each other listen to God. This does not mean we never discuss the other mundane details of life. But a formation friendship is different in that it has its basis in an ongoing relationship with God and one another.

Covenantal

Formation friendships are based upon solemn promises to God and to each other. These promises may be articulated verbally and/or written down (recommended). Formation relationships are never merely casual, or “as able”, they are always purposeful and intentional.

Life Giving

We come into a friendship like this for the sole purpose of edification, building one another up. A formation friendship is never invasive or controlling. We may “bruise” one another in loving honesty from time to time (Proverbs 27:6) but this does not characterize the essence of the relationship. A formation friendship is a relationship in which you are always accepted, always loved, and never judged. Get it? Always, always, and never. Any friendship which fails to meet these criteria is not edifying and cannot even be properly called friendship, in the spiritual sense of the word.

And friendship is life-givingin more than one way. One study found that those who had the most friends over a 9-year period cut their risk of death by more than60%. A celebrated Health Study from Harvard Medical School concluded that not having close friends was as detrimental to your health assmoking or carrying extra weight [3].

Do you have a friendships like this? Every statistic of which I am aware suggests that very few of us do, and sadly participation in the life of the church does not guarantee an exception to this rule.

How do we find a friend like this? The critical thing is not finding the right person but being the right person. Think well on your own heart and character. Are you ready for a relationship like this? Are you willing to commit and to pay the price? The first step is to earnestly prepare our hearts; then we can pray and confidently expect God to show us the way.

There are Biblical criteria to help us discern the vital issues in being a friend and finding one. In the next post(s) I will deal with desire, ability, compatibility, and fidelity. I hope you will follow with me and I look forward to your comments and insights.

(this blog was written by Steve Poole, Vision New England's Director of Spiritual Formation)

[1]Part of the reason for this can be found in our perceived need for anonymity and protection (I invite you to read Keith Tolley’s excellent post on “The Myth of Accountability” for some great insight on this. {LINK HERE}).

[2] Spiritual Friendship is a term which is widely used in “Formation” circles and it carries various shades of meaning. I am using the words to signify a relationship that is Christ centered, Covenantal, and Life giving.

[3] Source: anapsid.org